At the time I was writing “the hamster in its wheel” I was still fully into finding myself and finding my calmness again. I had no clue of what to do and where to go.
The restless heart that clings itself to everything that reminded me of old feelings.
The restless mind that tries to analyse everything that happened – again and again.
Today I’d like to think over some of the moments that helped me to find my inner peace again. Step by step and not like the pharmaceutical industry tries to tell us with a large amount of pills.
In March I visited my parents in South Tyrol (North of Italy). At this point I still wasn’t able to work because my brain just wouldn’t stopp running and running 24/7.
Not a minute passed without a destructive thought. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t think anything productive for weeks. My head just jumped and jumped into old memories, which took me down while I was thinking “why?”
The following situation describes that moment quite well I think.
I was getting tattooed for 4 1/2 hours on the shin and after 1 1/2 hours I just thanked the tattoo artist for closing my mind down for a moment just by feeling this pain.
(Too many feelings 4 this fucked up world)
Back to my parents:
The thing is that they also followed their inner compass by leaving Germany 10 years ago and so we had and still have wonderful conversations about inner peace, finding yourself, and the wheel of work.
Thursday, 3 March 2016
Besides teaching my mother is also a coach and does something that is called “holistic pulsing”, a kind of meditative relaxion that depending on your character can bring you back to your inner psychological feelings. It also calms your body and mind and can order your thoughts so that you feel better at the end.
She informed me that some of her clients burst into tears and so I was a little anxious but very interested.
After all I like to try all kind of spiritual ways to get down to my subconciousness because I believe that it is talking to us almost all the time. We just don’t take the time to listen.
Therapy-Side-Effect by listening to your inner voices? Check!
In my case I was pretty overwhelmed by the information my head started to deal with. I kind of started a journey through the past – myself always inpersonated by a ghost of light sorrounded by other light figures that surrounded me and then drifted away again. Most of them where people I knew from the past and mostly people that used to have a special meaning for me.
They came and went. Some of them stayed longer than others until in the end I started to walk on my own in front and a little group of familiy and friends started to march with me. Always near enough to leave me with the feeling that they are still there when I turn around and what made me really happy? Tobi was there as well surrounded by my family.
Shortly after the holistic pulsing I was quite confused until I got a phone call from a woman I was connected with through my health insurance company.
She was the one that helped me a lot in my “I-have-no-idea-what-on-earth-I-am-going-to-do-with-my-life”-time and that’s something I want to thank her for another time.
She helped me to get the time to figure out myself and what I want to do for myself.
After this phonecall I was freed from all doubts and my already almost fixed decision was now certain – I would never return to my old work.
That night I sat at my parents desk and tried to distract myself from my sleeplessness by watching movies until I finally got to the thought:
You can do what you want with your life. You don’t have to follow any orders. You can travel where ever you want and as long as you want. Everything is possible.
…again I burst into tears. Only this time not out of despair but relief. All the feelings about being insecure and addicted to a system at once fell from my shoulders and at this moment it was clear to me that when I go further on then with the least possible burden.
And so I decided to sell almost everything I had.
Everything I managed to sell also left space in my mind and heart and my daily job became to pack parcels, contact people and send the stuff all over Germany to people that wanted it.
In the meantime my being started to change again. The nervousness and tenseness, the fear and insecurities left and all that stayed was an inner peace and instead of staying home all day trying to be alone as much as possible I started to meet my friends again.
Besides all that I am happy that my enthusiasm for arts stayed
Saturday, 2 July (my 30th birthday)
My flight was booked. 2 of my best friends celebrated their birthday together with me and so I experienced something that maybe was one of the best parties of my life. It was just totally overwhelming to see all these loving people that shared sometimes moments and sometimes many years of my life with me.
My family was complete as well which made me very happy (we have a wonderful relationship but because of the distance we don’t come together very often).
I closed one of my first texts this year with the words “lots of love because maybe I got a little too much of that”. I sent it to my mother to correct my English translation and next to my usual grammar mistakes she left a note that there is never too much love.
Once I saw how many good people had left their footprints in my life I kind of started to understand what she wanted to tell me, I think.
Wednesday, 3 August 2016
I’m sitting at the table of a good friend who hosted me for my last month in Germany.
Yesterday I had my last day in the tattoo studio (Link). Tomorrow I’m going to my last festival (Link) where I’m working at the beach bar. Sunday I’ll be back and on Thursday I will leave for Colombia.
Hello inner peace that I missed so much. Hello world.
With lots of love because you can never have enough of that
Quote from my mother’s email from 10 December 2015 – I don’t know the author
„I asked for strength… and I was given difficult tasks to make me strong.
I asked for wisdom… and I was given problems to solve in order to attain wisdom.
I asked for wealth… and I was given a brain and muscle power to work with.
I asked for courage… and I was given obstacles to overcome.
I asked for love… and I was sent people who were worried, unbalanced or laden with problems to support and care for.
I asked for decisions… and I was given opportunities…
I got nothing that I asked for but everything I needed!“