Chapter 6: Holidays back home

I had written my last blog-entry on the 10th of November. Since then I held back when it comes to information about my stay. Mostly because I don’t really think a lot of interesting things had happened since then.

There are thousands of traveling-blogs that have more to offer than my self-reflecting, melancholic way of thinking over and over again not coming to an end.

There are almost no pictures of the beach (the Caribbean is just 40 minutes away)
There are no party pictures even though I spend most of my time in a place with a comfortable bar.
No Food-Porn even though I’ve turned almost Vegetarian since November 2016.

Nevertheless a small group of people seems to like the way I’m writing and so I will continue as long as I have the feeling there is something for me to say.
I’ll try to find the right words to explain what happened in the last couple of weeks (time flies by the way – it’s incredible).

Beforehand 3 fact that took a while to say about me without doubt.
I am happy
I am pleased
And then again something I can maybe tell for the first time in my life: I’m looking forward to my future.

Retrospect into my early youth years:
I remember that inside I always had been a very melancholic person. Depression, suicidal thoughts and hurting myself physical and emotional was always a part of me. I remember telling myself „If I’m going to be XX years old I wasn’t consequent enough“
Most of the time I wasn’t able to say „no“ and if I managed then always with a little bit of guilt. That is not really good if you need to look after your own health.

In a constant change of ups and downs I often gave a lot responsibility over my own life to different circumstances:
My daily job, Weekends, partying, holidays but also relationships and if I look back I have to admit that I often distracted myself from the main problems in my own head instead of trying to find a balance.
Like a lot of people I know I’m better at dealing with other peoples problems than my own.
I wouldn’t say that changed completely but the distance makes it a lot easier for me to overthink everything.
To think about why I’m feeling sad or angry when I do so. And almost every time I come to the conclusion that I should blame no one else but myself for that.
End of the retrospect
December 2016
Four months in a row I stayed in Colombia without a break. Every single day was important to think about myself even if that meant sometimes that I often wasn’t able to sleep properly.
My social skills where down to zero and I didn’t want to talk to anyone. There was only one plan I followed.
Developing in art and maybe extending my travels by doing some small artworks around the places I’m staying.
Everything else was not important to me anymore.
With a few exceptions:

Already in my first travel report I wrote how hard it was for me to say good bye to my friends. That I felt awful leaving them back and maybe not seeing them for a couple of years.
I was afraid of my own radical decision to leave everything behind and maybe to loose some of the people that didn’t understand.
That there was another person that made it into my heart and whom I didn’t want to loose.

13th of December 2016 Bogota – international airport
2 months before that date I made a decision. If I’m able to not spend too much money in a certain amount of time then I’m flying back to Germany for a couple of weeks to be on time for a birthday and celebrate Christmas and new year with my friends and family.
The signs I did in that time were the key to that plan because they helped me being able to stay in a wonderful and peaceful place, not spending a lot of money and so on the 13th of December I sat at the airport waiting for my flight to Munich where I was getting to be picked up by a wonderful girl.

5 weeks in Germany in which I realized that I haven’t left anyone. Everyone was happy to see me and I enjoyed all the planned and spontaneous meetings with people that have accompanied me the last couple of years. Besides that people actually recognized that I felt a lot better again after that break and so I knew once more that I had made the right decision.
And another fact came to my mind. If there ever is going to be something wrong and I have to fly back for some reason.
Germany is just a 15 hour travel away. A lot of bus rides around here take longer. 🙂

I know for myself that I use the word love quite often but I realized something:
The more I figured out that these emotions that were torturing me my whole life have nothing to do with weakness. The more I opened up to other people trying to listen what my own body and soul is telling me instead fulfilling other peoples expectations. The more I started to feel happy again.
I met people that liked to have deep conversations without being hit on. People that you can openly speak about everything that’s going on in your mind with. All the insecurities. All the good and the bad. And the more I spoke the more I realized how many people actually need that sort of conversation.
To see that someone’s feeling the same only putting it into different words.
And I started to understand.
I started to understand why human beings are what they are. Parents, education, friends… it’s all in one person. Every second that they experienced. Every harm. Every smile.

But most of the time I’m still figuring out what is important to myself. On my own and far away from all the standards that other people may think are right for you.
I never learned so much about myself than in this year 2016.
And so at this point I want to say thank you:
To the people that gave me a hug in the right moment.
The ones that forgive me my egoistic moments. The ones that gave me warmth and peace when I needed nothing else.
My tears, the conversations with the volunteers at La Fuente.
With the owners that gave me the time that I needed when I had days without touching a marker and I was doubting if I even had the right to stay longer as a volunteer.
To a family that always respected all of my decisions.

Then again I want to say sorry.
To the people I’ve hurt when I took everything personal and didn’t want to see anyone. Other peoples suffering that I didn’t understand properly. To those I blamed for being unhappy. When I was asked for a smile and even that was impossible to respond.
Maybe one day I will have the possibility to fulfill some of these wishes. Maybe not. We will see.

I am unemployed and without a home. All my belongings fit in 3 boxes at home and a 70 Liters backpack filled with markers, pencils, pens and ink.
My mood is as good as never before.

Maybe it is time to stop writing in a melancholic way 🙂

Lots of love

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